yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
