News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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