Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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