god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
