so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
