Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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