i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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