i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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