i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
