I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
