you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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