I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
