I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
