I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
