I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sex in a hospital.. check
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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