She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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