Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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