My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He shit in the fireplace
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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