woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
