Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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