Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
