Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
