Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
