I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
