Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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