I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
