Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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