I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
