im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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