If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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