What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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