We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The dick lei will go down in squad history
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
