Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
