my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
