My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
