She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
