I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
