He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
