If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
