Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
two words...techno handjob
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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