Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
