She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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