dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
