No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
