T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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