you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
