I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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