Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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