apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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