New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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