I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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